


Do you want me to stay?

by AniZH



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Comfort, Family, Friendship, Gen, Parabatai, Platonic Cuddling, Sleepovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 07:32:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15286776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniZH/pseuds/AniZH
Summary: Jace lost everything when he lost his father. He tries to be strong, because his father hated weakness. But seeing the love between the Lightwoods makes his walls crumble. And then comes Alec and easily breaks down those walls – and teaches him that it’s okay to cry sometimes.





	Do you want me to stay?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> I love the parabatai bond so much and of course wanted to write about it. Especially as I always imagine that Jace might appear so careless but that he's the one who needs Alec so so much.  
> The last part of this one shot includes a dialogue out of the series. I would've liked to include more of the show, especially the scene in Jace's mind where Alec so easily makes all the dead Clarys vanish because that fits with this, I think, but I found this to be a nice end, before jumping around further in the show. Maybe I'll write another fic about it some day.  
> Now please enjoy this one and let me know what you think! :)

Jace is at the New York Institute for three weeks now. He’s with the Lightwoods for three weeks.  
They made him feel welcomed here, incorporated him effortlessly into their daily routines. Not just the Lightwood family but the whole Institute accepted him in their midst. But the family especially.  
He still feels unsure in his new surroundings. Not that he shows it. He learned to always show confidence. That’s one of the absolute lessons his father taught him and he applies it now. He pretends to be confident and secure in whatever he does.  
He doesn’t feel that way at all though. He might get used to this place and these people, very slowly, but that weirdly only gives him time to think about his father, to think about the man he lost.  
He has nightmares of his father’s death, but also of too many other moments of his life. Well, he never has been a good sleeper, always got haunted by nightmares full of the pain his father applied throughout the day to teach him to be strong.  
And then one evening, Maryse sings to them. As far as Jace gathers, she has done that all the time when Alec and Izzy have still been little. She doesn’t get around to do it as often anymore, has to work a lot while her kids have to train.  
But every now and then they still do this and it’s precious to them all. Jace doesn’t have to be told that. He sees it in their faces.  
Izzy asks Maryse if she would sing it to them with an unusual small voice for her. They have eaten together, the four of them. Robert had to work, so he was still in his office. Maryse wants to bring him some food while the children are supposed to do their evening stretches before getting ready for bed.  
Maryse smiles when Izzy asks about the song and he sees how relieved Izzy looks about that reaction by her mother.  
He’ll find out over time how difficult the relationship between mother and daughter can be. Maryse asks a lot of both her children. She has to as she’s raising soldiers, she soon will have to send out into the field. Of course they have to be perfect in absolutey everything, so she can be more sure about them coming back after every mission.  
Jace’s used to the pressure from his own father and will witness how Alec and Izzy feel such different kinds of pressure themselves. Maryse expects perfection from both of them but different in a way. And the way she expects it from Izzy pushes the girl away from her. Izzy doesn’t feel like she can do what her mother expects of her and doesn’t try as hard anymore at one point.  
Maybe it also doesn’t lie in the different kind of expectations Maryse has for their children but in their different personalities. Alec thrives to pleases even more when he doesn’t, while Izzy might just close off and doesn’t try as hard anymore, which makes Maryse more attentive to Alec than to Izzy and... well...  
What Jace notices anyway, what he has noticed ever since he’s at the Institute and which he also grows aware of as Maryse sings some French song, smiling at both her children in such a loving way, but at Jace too, is... for both her and Robert it’s about their children. Of course, they also want honor for their family, but all the hard training for their children, every time they have them go again and again, it’s because they need them to be perfect before going out in the field. For them to survive.  
As Jace watches Maryse sing, as she watches her so loving with her children, it sinks in and it makes his heart ache. Because he knows that wasn’t the case with his own father. His father wanted a perfect soldier for the cause and nothing else.  
It aches inside of him so badly and he has to swallow a lump in his throat.

He knows tears are a sign of weakness. His father beat that into him.  
He doesn’t want to be weak. He can’t be weak. And yet, when he’s sitting alone in the room he got assigned to... He’s sitting on the window sill, looking outside, trying to fight his tears. Which is stupid. He doesn’t know why he feels so close to crying. His father...  
But the thought of his father chokes him up even more. Everything about him.  
Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. Jace quickly composes himself as he calls for the person to come in. He would’ve expected to see an adult by the way they knocked, but it’s Alec who walks in.  
Alec who doesn’t look the part, who hasn’t got those broad shoulders yet, doesn’t spout as many muscles as one would expect. But who’s strong and fast anyway and always so damn focused. Jace always finds a good fight in him. And yes, many times Jace manages to beat him, but their fights start to equal themselves as Alec takes every single comment Jace makes to heart, watches him fight and learns out of all of it.  
“Hey,” Alec says as he walks inside and closes the door behind himself.  
“Hey,” Jace answers. “What’s up?” He’s glad he doesn’t sound choked up at all.  
“Just wanted to check in,” Alec mildly says and looks at Jace in that way. In that way, with which he seems to be able to see everything. That’s how he looks at Jace when he fights, when he learns from Jace’s movements and actions.  
He wanted to check in though?  
“Why?”  
Openly, Alec says, while sitting down on Jace’s bed, still watching him: “You looked sad earlier.”  
Jace feels his heart freeze. No. Alec can’t have seen, can he? How?  
“I’m not sad,” Jace harshly states.  
Alec shrugs. “It’s fine to be. You lost everything you knew.”  
Jace blinks. He doesn’t know what to say to that. It sounds so simple when Alec says it. As if it’s no big deal, as if it’s nothing to worry about, as if feelings don’t mean weakness.  
It’s silent for a while, them just looking at each other, then Alec asks, almost carefully: “Do you want me to stay?”  
Somehow, Jace does. He really really does. He doesn’t know why but there’s something about Alec. There’s something so caring in him that soothes Jace. But he won’t say that. He never could. Needing someone to stay with you... that must be weakness too.  
That’s why he only shrugs.  
Alec takes that as a ‘yes’ as if he knows what’s happening inside of Jace with his observant gaze.  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
“No,” Jace answers that one without hesitation.  
Alec seems fine with that. He adverts his eyes now and looks past Jace out of the window. Jace is still sitting on the window sill and he lets his look wander outside too.  
And just knowing Alec is there and takes his sadness so easily... Jace silently starts to cry. He hasn’t cried in front of anyone for years and years. Sometimes, he cried alone in the dark when he was sure his father couldn’t see, but he hated himself for it every time.  
Now it feels like relief. Crying. It doesn’t feel like weakness somehow.  
Alec doesn’t say a word. Jace hopes he doesn’t even see though he knows that he has to. But he also doesn’t scold Jace for it or leaves, uncomfortable by Jace’s show of emotion. He keeps sitting on the bed, looking past Jace outside, being there with him.

When Jace is long empty of tears and his face is dried, Alec tells him that he’ll be off to bed and he leaves. They look into each other’s eyes for a moment and Jace doesn’t see contempt in Alec’s.  
He falls asleep almost instantly when he’s in bed, some invisble weight feeling lifted.

When he wakes up in the morning, he feels the weight even heavier. What has he done? Has he lost his mind?  
He’s sure Alec will tell absolutely everyone about his tears, so everyone will know that the new boy is a small child, really, a weak small child. While Alec seemed to be impressed with him before, almost admiring his skills, he will look down on him now, will see him as some kind of weakling. Which he might be.  
Nobody looks at him differently though. Not even Alec. When they do a training fight after breakfast, Alec also doesn’t go easy on him or shows a new-found confidence as if he knows he will beat Jace with how weak he is. He fights just like always and it comforts Jace more than he could ever say.

 

Alec comes by every late evening from then on and Jace starts telling him stories. He starts telling him of his childhood, of his father, of his life before he came to the Institute. Alec never really comments, just listens. He also doesn’t judge, whenever Jace starts to choke or has trouble to keep talking because of tears coming up.  
And then, one time, when Jace tells Alec how his father tought him about pain and how to tolerate it, sitting on the bed together, the other boy suddenly pulls him into a hug.  
Jace freezes only for a moment, then he breaks.  
He hasn’t even thought he was close to crying or alike. He was just telling a story. That’s how he was raised. Yes, he remembered the pain while talking. The pain he felt in his body, but also much deeper inside. But he didn’t think he felt like this.  
But as he relaxes into Alec’s strong hug, he starts crying like he never has, his whole body shaking. And Alec doesn’t draw back but holds him and Jace hugs back, clinging to him like he is his lifeline.  
He never broke like this in front of anyone and received comfort. Not even as a small child.  
But Alec does comfort him. Easily and effortlessly and as if it didn’t mean the whole world for Jace.

 

Jace is at the Institute for four months now and feels comfortable. He loves training with Alec and Izzy, especially. But he also loves eating with the whole Lightwood family – and impressing Robert and Maryse with his skills.  
Alec still visits him every evening and Jace still tells him stories, but also asks about Alec’s life by now and he tells him about the time he has been to Idris and how his parents took him to Barcelona once and how his mother told him how she and Robert got engaged there.  
Just now, they’re talking about weapons they know and like though, an easy and fun topic for both, when the door slowly opens.  
Both boys straighten up, but it’s Izzy who only opens the door far enough to peak in. When she sees both boys, she smiles and comes in, closing the door quietly behind her, asking: “What are you doing here?”  
Jace and Alec share a glance and Jace shrugs: “Hanging out.” It’s not really a lie.  
Alec meanwhile checks: “What are you doing out of bed?”  
“I couldn’t sleep,” Izzy says, walking up to them and climbing on the bed where the both of them are sitting.  
Jace wouldn’t think about it, but Alec looks at Izzy in that way that Jace knows to well, and quietly asks: “Worried about Dad?”  
Robert has gone on a mission that sounded extremely dangerous. Everyone in the Institute has been very serious throughout the evening, including Maryse who had them train again after dinner and asked more of them as ever before. Noone expects the group back until tomorrow lunch or even evening.  
Izzy only nods and Alec gently says: “Sorry I wasn’t in my room.”  
And suddenly Jace wonders... yes, what is Izzy doing here? She obviously searched for Alec. And the way he apologizes... Does she always do that when she’s worried? Does she always seek his comfort when she’s worried? Weirdly, he’d get that, has he already experienced what kind of comfort Alec gives.  
Izzy shrugs. “I guessed you could be here.”  
Jace has no idea how she could’ve guessed that. Did Alec tell her anything after all? But the other boy also seems surprised.  
Izzy changes the topic, before one of the boys could get the idea to ask about it, her face suddenly lighting up with an idea: “How about we have a sleepover?”  
A sleepover?  
Alec doesn’t seem surprised about that suggestion. “Izzy, you know our parents won’t allow it.”  
With a wicked glint in her eyes, Izzy says: “We don’t have to ask them.”  
The siblings look at each other for a moment, before Izzy continues: “There’s enough room in the bed. Right, Jace? Can Alec and I sleep here?”  
Jace doesn’t see the problem with that. Why shouldn’t he allow them to sleep in his bed with him?  
“Sure.”  
Izzy looks back to Alec and makes her best puppy eyes. Jace knows them well enough to know that Alec will give in, before he does.

Alec lies in the middle, Jace to his left, Izzy to his right, Alec in one of Jace’s pajamas while Izzy already came in hers, and they talk for hours about everything and nothing really. Izzy makes Jace laugh at one point and he has never in his life laughed like that, just out of the depth of his heart.  
Izzy is the first to fall asleep and only when Alec reaches over her to get to the alarm clock and turn the alarm on, Jace realizes how close Izzy got to Alec. She’s... cuddling up to him and he isn’t pushing her away or anything. This strong girl that already holds her own against either of the boys quite well... She’s now cuddled into her older brother and fell asleep there.  
When both Alec and Jace settle down too and Jace closes his eyes, he realizes that this doesn’t make Izzy weak. Her being so worried about her father that she searched for her brother, so shamelessly, now cuddling up to him, obviously in search for comfort... Jace’s sure his father would see it as weakness. He wouldn’t take her seriously anymore after seeing this, would deem her a little child. Just like he would deem Jace a little child after seeing him cry and break in the ways he has around Alec.  
But it’s okay. Izzy’s still extremely talented and focused and strong. As is he.

Jace only wakes when the alarm already gets turned off. Usually, he’s directly up, wide awake as soon as he hears it. He was raised a soldier. His father made sure that he woke up by every little sound.  
Today, the warmth of his bed almost pulls him directly back to sleep, if there weren’t also movements in his bed. He still doesn’t sit up in shock or anything. He does turn around after a moment and sleepily opens his eyes.  
He finds that Alec’s the one who turned off the alarm and moved around in the bed. He stands next to it now, on Izzy’s side and seems to turn on the alarm again, before he turns back to the bed.  
“You still have two hours to sleep,” Alec whispers when he sees Jace’s open eyes.  
Jace yawns as he watches Alec carefully pulling Izzy closer, obviously not wanting to wake her up.  
“What are you doing up?” Jace finally mumbles.  
Alec explains quietly: “Our parents don’t like us sleeping over in each other’s rooms because we always end up talking for too long and don’t get enough sleep. Mom usually checks our rooms when she’s up and Dad is out, to know that we’re alright. Izzy better be in her room by then. And me too.”  
How well Alec knows his family. And how much he takes care.  
He now doesn’t even wake Izzy for her to walk back to her room herself. Instead, he lifts her up with her still being asleep. She makes a short noise and turns further into him but otherwise she doesn’t stir.  
Alec’s strong enough to carry her, only having trouble at the door for a moment, but this doesn’t seem to be the first time he carries Izzy like this, also while having to open and to close doors in front of and behind him. Jace imagines that Izzy sleeps over in his room sometimes and Alec then also carries her back to her own room. Because this isn’t about him avoiding trouble from his parents, but about Izzy.  
Jace rolls into the spot where the two sibling have layed before and he’s back asleep a second later.

 

Robert comes back in one piece the next evening and relieves them all. The whole group is back, some heavily injured, but all alive, so the whole Institute is able to breathe again.  
When Jace, Alec and Izzy are stretching that same evening, after listening to Robert describing his mission, when they are all alone, Izzy asks them with a grin if they shouldn’t have a sleepover once a week. Jace likes the idea, has had so much fun talking througout the night and then also has never slept better for the remaining hours, and Alec might sigh but when Izzy pleads with him and Jace mentions that it sounds like fun, he gives in again.

It’s the fifth time that Alec and Izzy sleep over in his room with Alec not coming every other evening of the week and only every second or third.  
Jace doesn’t fall asleep as fast as he otherwise does. Izzy has fallen asleep again first, cuddled up to Alec like she always is.  
Jace sees them through the moonlight that falls into his room despite the curtains in front of his windows. Alec’s lying on his back, sprawled out and Izzy’s curled up on his side.  
Jace has lied as far on the side of the bed as possible the first night, to also give the other two some room. He has relaxed more and more about that over the time and now... He’s looking at how deep Izzy sleeps, how content she looks.  
He looks at Alec again, watches him closely, observes him to make sure he’s asleep. He doesn’t want to humiliate himself.  
Slowly, he moves closer to Alec too, slides a little to the end of the bed so he won’t end up lying on Alec’s arm. He moves closer bit by bit until his face touches Alec’s side. The warmth that radiates of Alec has to comfort him and easily lulls him to sleep before he can conciously decide for it.

Alec also carries Izzy to her room way earlier than they have to be up when both their parents are home – or even when neither is, when both are in Idris. He says you never know when they or anyone decide to check in when they wake up in the morning; while they usually don’t check in late in the evening because they’re glad when they finally can go to sleep themselves, when the work is done.  
Jace wakes up this time, once more not by the alarm itself, but by Alec sitting up. This time Jace is wide awake though, all of the sudden, realizing how close he slept to Alec, how he, yes, pretty much cuddled up to him like Izzy always does.  
He immediately draws back while Alec’s still turning off the alarm and then putting it to the right time for Jace to wake up.  
Alec must have noticed how they slept, when he woke up, before he sat up between Jace and his sister. But he doesn’t look at Jace longer than he always does, just whispers a ‘good morning’ like usual, before getting up and getting Izzy.  
Jace hurries to stand up too, since he has always done since the second time, to at least open the door of his own bedroom for Alec to walk through while carrying Izzy, and then closing it behind them again.  
Alec sends him a quick smile like he always does before he leaves and when Jace lies back down in bed, he wonders if Alec can even be fine with that. If he can even be fine with Jace seeking comfort in the way his little sister does and if not even that will make Alec think less of him. He wonders, how kind and caring Alec has to be.  
And by now, he long understands that that also doesn’t make Alec weak. Not in the slightest. Jace did a simulation with Alec and Izzy and Alec has never been better than when Izzy wasn’t fast enough to defend herself and Alec came to her aid. Because Alec deeply cares about her.  
And Jace knows for some reason, Alec also cares about him. And he, Jace, long also cares about Alec and Izzy.

 

o

 

They don’t sleep over anymore. They’re grown up. It got less and less over time but the thing is... ever since Jace and Alec became parabatai, Jace also doesn’t need it anymore. He doesn’t need Alec in his room in the evenings and doesn’t need to cuddle up to him at night. He feels the comfort through the bond whenever he needs it. No, not just whenever he needs it. He has it constantly, no matter what. Even the rare times Alec and he fight... even when one of them is angry at anything and the anger also gets pushed through the bond... The underlying of it all means comfort for Jace. Just feeling Alec on the other side of the bond means comfort for him. Because Alec’s still there. And he always will be.  
Which is why he gets so damn angry at Alec when he weakens the bond to find him.  
It starts off with a fight that was already bad enough. But Jace knows Alec will regret it if he will let him go through with the Clave’s order about Meliorn. Not to mention that it’s just plain wrong. He has to help to stop it.  
He knows he shouldn’t say anything about Alec’s feelings for him but it slips over his lips in his anger about the situation and in hope to make Alec see sense.  
He knows about Alec’s feelings. Of course he knows. About his... little crush. Jace doesn’t think Alec truly has feelings like that for him. Jace wouldn’t know how they look, has never really had deep romantic feelings for anyone himself but... Alec also doesn’t. He admires him and confuses that for more. They are pretty much brothers. Jace’s sure that Alec has never thought it through, has never truly imagined getting together with him and... starting something sexual with him. That would have to irk him as much as it does Jace.  
Alec does love him, deeply, just like Jace loves him. But Jace knows it isn’t really more than that. Which is why he never thought it necessary to talk to Alec about it. But maybe it is. Maybe, they should talk about it, talk through it so Alec also knows that what he’s feeling isn’t necessarily what he thinks he’s feeling.  
But of course it was stupid to start something like that in a situation like this and it only makes Alec angry and Jace feels the full force through the bond.  
Jace goes through with the plan anyway and then vanishes with Clary. And then, when Clary is in that other dimension and Jace needs to make sure she and the other demontion are safe, Alec tries to find him through their bond and weakens t.  
Jace can barely believe it whenever he stops and thinks about it. Alec has to know how much Jace needs this bond, how he needs it to feel safe, how it’s his constant stream of strength and how lost he feels now.  
Alec’s still there, somewhere. But not like he has to be. And that when Jace finds his father, finds out he’s alive. How much he needs Alec around! How much he needs to feel him.  
Did Alec weaken the bond out of spite? To punish Jace for what he did? For trying to talk about his feelings or because he stepped in and acted against Clave orders?  
Deep down, he knows it can’t be like that. Alec would never punish Jace in any way for anything.  
Unlike his father always did who’s suddenly around again and... Jace can barely handle it. The only thing still keeping him sane is the little part of Alec he can still feel.  
And then, it even turns out that his father is actually Valentine and Clary is his sister and he feels like dying.

He does expect Alec to apologize when they see each other again. But Alec doesn’t. And when Jace tells him that they gave the Cup to Lydia and Izzy should therefore be safe – Izzy was in danger, so he didn’t weaken the bond to Jace out of spite –, Alec only answers with an ‘okay’.  
“Okay? That’s it, Alec?” Jace wants to know. He can’t believe it. Doesn’t Alec realize what he has done? Jace’s life depends on this bond, he has to know. Doesn’t his life too in a way? Sure, Jace might not give the same comfort to Alec. He has never thought about it before. But Alec did become his parabatai for a reason, right? Because he loves him just as much as Jace does him, and also needs him the same way, right?  
“I don’t want to get into it,” Alec says and is about to leave, but Jace can’t have that. He doesn’t care what Alec does or doesn’t want.  
“Stop! I do want to get into it. You almost killed me. You weakened our parabatai bond, just to find me.”  
Alec’s face is hard. “You betrayed me. You lied to me. You attacked me when I was doing what we should’ve been doing together.”  
That’s just stupid. Alec has to know that it’s not the truth. “I didn’t betray you, Alec. I saved you from yourself! If you would’ve taken Meliorn to get tortured you would’ve had that on your conscience for the rest of your life.”  
“Really?”  
What kind of question is that? Jace confirms, only for Alec to spit out: “Everything you do is for a higher principle. You took the Cup and you nearly handed it over to Valentine.”  
Jace freezes inside. That has been a low blow. “That was not our intention. You know that.”  
“Our intention?” Alec asks, glancing past him to Clary. An then, dangerously: “Was it your intention to risk Izzy’s life for hers?”  
Obviously it wasn’t. Jace didn’t know about Izzy.  
But before Jace can defend himself, Alec continues: “This isn’t about Clary. This is about you. Now I’m gonna go tell my sister that she still has a future.”  
Jace hasn’t missed the emphazise on ‘my sister’. As if Izzy isn’t also Jace’s. As if he isn’t part of the family as well.  
It hurts way too much but at the same time, it dawns on him: Alec doesn’t only have him, Jace, to protect. He can give comfort alone to him through the bond. He can’t do the same with Izzy. Izzy’s on her own and Alec’s desperate to protect her like he also always would Jace.  
Jace gets it. But it’s all too much for him. Alec still shouldn’t have weakened their bond, should he have? Wouldn’t there have been some other way?  
He actually feels like crying but he won’t. He tries to concentrate on the part of Alec he still feels, to calm himself down, to be strong. For Clary, who’s sitting behind him and is worrying over her... their mother.

 

Jace also tries to concentrate on the bond over the next days while everyone in the Institute concentrate on the wedding and Jace and Alec only talk about the absolute necessary.  
Jace tries to rebuild the bond from the inside and hopes Alec tries too. Though he understands Alec’s actions somewhat, he still is angry at him for weakening the bond.  
Then, the day before the wedding, Izzy tells Jace that Alec wants to talk to him. Alec knows nothing about that and Jace directly wants to leave again, but... Izzy thinks they should talk. And maybe she’s right. Maybe this isn’t something that’s going to be alright by itself. Maybe, they do have to talk this through. It’s not like they aren’t used to talking to each other – quite the opposite. They usually talk about everything, it having started back with Jace’s stories about his father. They mostly aren’t showing each other big emotions anymore, are used to going with it the Shadowhunter way, but they feel the emotions through the bond and can also comfort each other through it.  
Anyway... They should talk now and let each other hear what happened to maybe rekindle their close relationship.  
Alec tells Jace to go first, because this is apparently meant to be his Bachelor party which Jace didn’t know. Oh, Izzy.  
He starts: “ I don’t know how things got so messed up between us. But I do know my life has been a lot harder not having you to talk to.”  
He feels relief, when Alec confesses: “Mine too.”  
He has hoped it wasn’t one-sided. Yes, he knows he needs Alec more than Alec does him. Alec’s still his lifeline and probably will forever remain to be it. Alec meanwhile already had a life before him. It means a lot for Jace that he still feels the same deep love for him.  
And it’s that feeling that suddenly floods him. The relief that Alec feels the same, the great love for him and the wonder that Alec also loves and needs him.  
He says, earnestly: “I know it’s seems like I’ve been making a lot of crazy choices lately. And I know you think that I was only thinking about myself and Clary. That I wasn’t thinking about the consequenzes for everyone else. All I can say is: I’m going through a lot. But I only ever did what I thought was right, Alec. But I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry.”  
He is sorry. Obviously he never wanted to hurt Alec. Maybe, he should’ve told Alec that before.  
And suddenly, he doesn’t expect an apology by Alec anymore. Because he did hurt him. He did get Izzy in danger. Alec shouldn’t have weakened the bond but... both did things they shouldn’t have done.  
“I know,” Alec says and Jace knows his apology just got accepted, easily, because that’s who Alec is. “We just... got caught in all this drama.”  
He can say that. “Yeah. I mean, you’re getting married tomorrow.”  
“And Clary’s your sister. Now what’s up with that?” Alec asks.  
“Don’t even get me started,” Jace says as he sits down, though... there is literally noone he wants to talk about this except Alec. This whole situation makes him sick and he needs Alec to... he doesn’t even know what Alec could do to make him feel better.  
But he says anyway, disgusted with himself: “I kissed her. What’s worse: I wanted her. I was falling in love. I must be sick or something. I don’t know.”  
“No,” Alec quickly says. “No.” He sits down next to him and though there bond still isn’t what it used to be, Jace feels how Alec conciously pushes affection through it as he continues: “You’re not sick.”  
It sounds so simple out of Alec’s mouth. He is not sick. And suddenly, he also doesn’t feel anymore. Not with Alec saying it so simply.  
He continues: “The situation is just... it’s confusing. And trust me, I know. You know, it’s like... You have this plan for your life and you know what you need to do and what your responsibilities are. And you think, you know, if you follow the rules, everything’s gonna be fine. Then somebody comes along and pushes you off that path. It’s just...”  
Alec can follow all the rules he can, it won’t change anything about him being gay. And that means that everything won’t be alright, ever. Not in the world they live in.  
Alec never came out to Jace. He never needed too. He knew about Alec being gay, just like he knew about his crush.  
And suddenly he realizes that the crush... isn’t really there anymore. Has it vanished due to their fight or has Alec realized himself that there never really was anything in that sense between them? Did someone make him realize that there never was?  
Jace thinks about Magnus, that warlock that flirts with Alec all the time. Jace has taken noticed, also through the parabatai bond. Alec feels flattered. Jace knows the feeling and only when Magnus came along, he realized that Alec never got to feel it for himself. Not that there never were girls their age that tried to flatter him but Alec never noticed.  
Is Magnus the one he’s talking about now? The one pushing him off the path? Would he like to try it out with Magnus?  
Jace can’t even imagine, but for now, he takes care that Alec doesn’t have to explain anymore: “Hey. I get it.”  
Alec continues: “The point is, we’re Shadowhunters. If emotions get in the way, if you get knocked out of the path, you need to focus and find your way back.”  
Jace looks at him, at his brother. That apparently would like to be with Magnus, at least try it out, finally live his sexuality like Jace and Izzy are living theirs for years. Instead, he marries a woman he barely knows, because he feels it’s right for the family and the Institute.  
“I mean...” Jace slowly says. “You still must be true to yourself.”  
“I am,” Alec states. “I’m fulfilling my duty.”  
He stands up. “Look. Would you be my suggenes and give me away tomorrow?”  
Jace stands up too. He wonders if he should talk Alec out of this but... That’s not what they do. He wants Alec to know that he, Jace, is making the best decisions he can. The best decisions for all of them. The decisions that he feels best. He needs to trust Alec just the same. Alec has to know what he’s doing. And he should know that Jace is with him, no matter what.  
That’s why he says: “Alec. If this is what you really want, I’d be honored. I’m always gonna be here for you.”  
Alec’s answer of “me, too” means the world to Jace.

They go and find Izzy afterwards. She’s at the Ops center and beams when she sees them walking up to her together.  
“Best Bachelor party ever or what?” she asks as soon as she’s close enough.  
Alec doesn’t answer the question directly, but instead: “Thank you.”  
“Aw,” Izzy makes and pulles Alec in half a hug.  
And, well... Jace knows what they all need. What would’ve been part of the Bachelor party he would’ve thrown Alec if he wasn’t angry with his brother: “How about we keep the party going? One last sleepover before Alec is a married man?”  
Izzy’s face impossibly lights up even more. “Oh, fun!”  
Alec raises an eyebrow and he notices with almost a smirk: “I don’t think we all fit in your bed anymore.”  
They would if they would sleep extremely close to each other, but... yeah, no. They are adults now, grown up and need room to sleep.  
Izzy promptly thinks of a solution: “How about we put two mattresses on the floor and sleep there? Two mattresses should be enough for all three of us, right?”  
Jace is glad that the suggestion isn’t about him sleeping in his bed alone and them together on the floor. He might not need to cuddle up to Alec, but he also wants to be somewhat close to his siblings during this sleepover.  
Alec still shows himself sceptic: “Yeah, and I’m supposed to sleep in the creek between the mattresses?” Because he knows he’ll be the one lying in the middle once again. Because this is supposed to be just like it was back then.  
Izzy grins, teasing: “You could also sleep on the mattress on which your favorite sibling is sleeping.”  
Jace warns with a smirk: “Not that he ends up in Max’ bed.”  
Max isn’t at the Institute and he also doesn’t have a room here at the moment. But of course it’s fun to claim when Izzy wants to open a competition between herself and Jace for Alec’s favorite sibling that neither can win it because of their little brother.  
“Aw, Max,” Izzy makes, now thinking about the boy. “He has never been part of a Lightwood sibling sleepover. We definitely have to do another one as soon as Max visits again.” It’s true that they’ve never done it with Max too. Maryse got pregnant around the time they started their sleepovers and by the time he would’ve been old enough, they didn’t do it anymore.  
Jace wonders if it will be weird – is Alec a married man at that point and probably should spend the nights with Lydia. Not that Alec would want to but... well...  
But he doesn’t want to think about it, to worry about it. This night, everything’s like it always was, just the three of them, together.

They stick the mattresses together with a rune so Alec don’t have to worry about sleeping in the creek and ending up on the floor when the mattresses move apart during night. They use Jace’s mattress and then carry Alec’s over too. Carefully, because they might be adults and all are able to somewhat hold their own in front of their parents but they still don’t need to be caught. Their parents probably still won’t approve – like they also never approve too much when Jace or Izzy spend the night outside of the Institute, though they accept it as long as they are in back on time again and doing as well as expected in their missions and training sessions.  
They talk again for a long time and laugh together like they haven’t done for weeks now.  
They all decide to go to sleep at one point and turn the lights out. Jace can see how Alec turns on his side after a while, turning to him, Jace, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. And only shorty after, Izzy pulls herself all the way up to him, partly spooning him, her big brother, her arm around his waist, her head pressing up against his back.  
Jace isn’t sure if she’s already half asleep at that point, but she’s definitely sleeping only shortly after. And Alec follows suit before too long.  
Jace carefully reaches over, puts his hand on Alec’s chest. He feels his heart beating, his caring, strong heart, and that’s when it’s falling into place again. Their bond is as strong as ever.  
He doesn’t need to cuddle up to Alec. He does keep his hand close to Alec’s chest, just lies it down on the mattress there, before he also falls asleep in the comfort of his once again strong bond, with feeling Alec and knowing he’s so close in every possible way.


End file.
